Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Phase Two: Chapter Two

Depression

Nobody ever really talks about depression and I don't quite understand why. Over 15 million Americans suffer from depression each year. If there are that many people who suffer from this mental illness why aren't we bringing more attention to it, and better yet, why aren't we telling the truth about it? Depression can be defined as feelings of severe despondency and dejection". But in reality, "severe despondency and dejection makes no sense to the average individual. The true meaning of depression is different for each and every person. The people who aren't suffering from depression may use the dictionary terms and feel as though they have defined it enough. But, to me depression can't be defined by just a few words. 

Depression to me is laying awake in bed at three am crying because I can't figure out why I'm sad. Depression is being surrounded by people who love and care for me, yet I feel completely alone. Depression is not looking both ways before crossing the street because you don't really care if you get hit. Depression is laying in bed for long periods of time because nothing feels better than laying in your bed of sorrows in your own little dark world. Depression is pushing people away because you don't want anybody to know that you are suffering.  Depression to me is consistantly fake smiling at the world because if I am to let the world see that I am hurt, somebody somewhere would ask why. And the only answer to "why are you sad" is I don't know. I don't know why I'm sad. I don't even think that I really am sad to be honest. Maybe I'm
 just unhappy is all? But unhappiness has led me to feeling sad I guess you could say. 

Depression has clouded my understandings of my emotions to the point where I don't really ever know if I'm happy and having fun. I don't realize when I'm enjoying myself. I always feel like my life is crumpling into little bread crumbs and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it. Everybody says "go do something you like to do", but I'm not really sure that there is anything that I like to do anymore. I like to write, I guess. But how much writing can I do until the pain comes seeping back into my thoughts and the happy story I began is now filled with dark enough plot twists to make even the most dark souls weep.
Another thing people just absolutely love to say is "just stop being sad". Don't you think I would've stopped feeling this way in sixth grade when I realized I was always unhappy with my life? Do you really think I enjoy the constant aches and pains of being depressed? If it wasn't a real issue I would've stopped being "sad" years ago. But, this is the probably life long issue I will always face, so excuse me if my consistant saddness is a burden to you, but it's an even bigger burden to me. 

Another thing that's a common misconception is that depression can only occur in peoples lives with major issues going on. Now that I think of it, my  depression emerged when I was in the happiest time of my life. I had great friends, great grades, a great boyfriend at the time (if you can even call him that. We were sixth graders).  My life was non the less at the best point it had ever been in. I wasn't being bullied. Nobody made fun of me. I felt at home in every situation I was in. I was honestly genuinely happy. I don't know where the sudden sorrows came from. I can't trace anything back to any event because my life was absolutley perfect at the time. Maybe it came with puberty? Maybe it came with the overload of maturity i've been doomed with. All of a sudden I was unhappy and since then, I still can't find the cause. 

Now, let's really get deep into the nitty gritty. Suicide and suicidal thoughts are a side effect of depression. I am laying my heart out right now and I am confessing that I, Sierra Branch, have dealt with suicidal thoughts. Everybody has those days where they think that their lives would be easier if they weren't alive. But when you have depression it's taken to a whole new level. It's not just feeling that things would be easier if you weren't alive, but it becomes planning how to actually follow through with it. I will be completely honest, it would so easy to take my own life. I could overdose on ibuprofen, slit my wrists, crash my car on purpose, place a large rock on my chest and drown in a body of water. I could do it, I really could. But to be honest I don't have the balls to do it. I have tried time after time to just slit my wrists and be done with my messy life. I have tried to just end the thoughts and pain and sorrow. I have TRIED. But now, looking back onto the nights where I did try, I see why I couldn't. I always knew deep down there was a reason for me to not be able to follow through. Sometimes it would be my brother holding me back, or the thought of causing pain to my best friend because I selfishly decided to end my life. Whatever the reason was doesn't matter. What matters is that I've survived every suicidal thought and I'm still here to say that I'm still suffering, but I'm surviving.

ONE time, I can remember this night so clearly. I decided that I had had enough. I was done with life in general. I was ready to just do it. I grabbed a kitchen knife and held it to my wrists. It wasn't like the past times, before I had cried and bawled before I took the scissors and did the damage. THIS particular time there was not a single tear. I just stared down and was ready. I took the knife and oh so gently broke the skin. But my gentle swift motion did enough damage to scare me. When you use a dull kitchen scissors there is hardly enough blood to need a tissue to clean it up. But with a knife, one swift motion left a small gash big enough to allow blood to drip out. I was terrified. WHAT HAD I JUST DONE. I thought for sure this would be the end of me. Turned out I wasn't actually ready to die. I applied so much pressure, I tried to rinse water over it so that it would maybe make it stop. I'm not a doctor, but I did what the doctors in the movies did. Pressure is everything I thought. It eventually stopped bleeding but it was so scary to finally realize that I have the potential to bleed out within the next thirty minutes. I still have a small tiny scar to this day that I can look down on and it reminds me the fear I had of dying. I'd like to eventually get a tattoo over it, not to hide it but simple black line over it that will remind me what I went through that night. Even now without the tattoo I can look at the scar when the dark thoughts come rolling in and the scar helps me get though it.

That was years ago, and things are much different now. Although I still struggle with depression, I am doing much better which is such a relief. Things used to be so dark, and now I'm beginning to not only see the light again, but I'm learning to love myself even if I have a few million flaws. I hope this opens eyes to those who don't struggle with depression, and to those who are also suffering like I am I want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am happy to be there for anybody who just needs to talk, needs a friend, needs ugly pictures of me to lift your spirits. I am here for anybody and everybody. All you have to do is reach out and I will be more than happy to be there for you.

Much love, 
B

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Phase Two: Chapter One

I felt the need to begin a new blog because the old one was so used up. My posts were messy. I began it without an idea of what I wanted to do, other than write of course. I wanted to write freely without having to follow any special guidelines, rules, or regulations. I was simply testing the waters, getting my feet wet. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of writing whatever comes to mind when I feel the need to write, but I found myself continually having writers block. I would sit down to write, and I'd rewrite the first sentence over and over and over until I just finally gave up. But now, I have a list of over 300 topics to write about ranging from depression, animal cruelty, and of course everybody's favorite POLITICS.

I want to begin this new journey with you, but there are some obvious things I need to discuss with my fans. (It feels so foreign to call ya'll that)

I do not write these words to trigger any feelings. I don't write to make people accept me, or accept my views. I write for those who care to listen. If at any point you feel I have offended you, a group of people, or any such thing please be respectful enough to contact me so we can have a little or large chat about what had been said. I will be more than happy to discuss my point of views with you. Please don't go around spreading rumors and such about me to anybody because I have made you feel some type of way. If you feel inclined to read what I have to write, then please be adult enough to have an adult conversation with me, or at least be adult enough to accept the fact that I upset you, and move on.

I'm so happy to be back at it again, writing and such. Hopefully this time around I won't gain any bully's like the last time around. Ha, there's so much I need to update ya'll on.

BIG BIG BIG thank you to all my supporters! I wouldn't be able to carry on without you.

Much love,
B